Tis the season

Well, it's time. 

Garden planning and early planting is here. Perhaps this time of focused new growth will bring back a bit of author interest in this blog space. I've been off doing other things and just haven't been making time for you, Little Blog. I do apologize. As I get my fingers muddy and spend more time outside, dreams seem to materialize and so I hope to share them with you all again. Just as soon as they germinate and take root I will let you know! In the meantime, enjoy the beginnings of actualizing your own dreams. 

What do you want to grow this spring?

Dreams for the future

Sorry this post is a bit late. I drafted it about a week ago before deciding on a last minute trip to celebrate the life of a dear friend. In all that goes with saying goodbye I sort of forgot about this space. I'm sure you understand. So, to the original post!

Have you ever tried to explain your dream to someone? Take your dream house for example. Have you gone beyond the list of rooms and amenities? We all understand a 3-bedroom house with 2 baths (one for adults and one for the kids), a library/den, swimming pool, garden, barn in our own ways. But what do these rooms look and feel like? What does "home" mean to you? 

My dream home is a cross between a hundred year old farm house where everything centers around the kitchen and the fireplace, the creative use of space required in small French apartments like in Amelie, and a wonderful conservatory and garden like in Practical Magic. Actually, adding a chicken coup to the property in Practical Magic would be perfect! Oceanside in Friday Harbor! Lots of outdoor living and snugly indoor space decorated with intention and flowing through the seasons. A place of safe freedom where my kids feel comfortable bringing their friends.

So where am I going with this? With the new year and the general populace encouraging new resolutions and goals to work toward in the coming year, I want to encourage you to envision the details of your dreams. Smell them, taste them, feel them.  What you put out there into the universe, you will get back. 

When we were in Tulsa, living in a 700 sqft 1-bedroom, 1-closet house, we would dream of our next location. We weren't totally clear in all details, like which state we wanted it to be in. What we were clear on, we got: 3-bedrooms (one for adults, one for kids, one for a library/guest room), a bigger kitchen, space for a garden and chickens, more storage, pool/hottub and a job in one of our fields.

 Now to be clear about the next location and other visions for the new year.

What are you wanting from this year?

Doorways

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Here I am again; on the threshold of change in a doorway that appeared without my asking. Do I go through it? Do I stand still and do nothing?  Do I run screaming in the other direction, back to the comforts of life as it has been? 

Well, I'm in adventurous mood so I toy with the doorknob and peak through the keyhole. From the tiny bit I can see, it looks inviting and exciting on the other side. I hear whispers of the work it will take to open the door and even more work to stay on the otherside. Only I can decide if the work is worth the revelry seen through the keyhole. It looks so promising over there. The mound of work  growing at my feet, covering the key, is intimidating but manageable. 

If I can birth a child in a car, surely I can open this door.

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 Photo borrowed from wikipedia

Season of learning

So we've entered the season of darkness. The time of year spent indoors. The perfect time of year for learning; specifically for learning a new handcraft or skill.

Last year I refreshed my embroidery skills with a little motivation from this project by SouleMama and this project I found at JoAnn's. And while I worked on it often, I was out of practice and literally had to pull out and resew nearly very stitch. So it still looks like this:

The previous year my writing and photography skills were developed when I start this blog. 

Before that I was preparing for my first days as a mother. 

Before that was mostly career and school related.

So what shall I look into learning this year? Well, I've always wanted to write a book of some kind. Perhaps this season will be spent researching a topic and engaging in writing practices and challenges. Perhaps when spring comes I'll have something to show from my practice and research.

Perhaps.

But then again, I asked Pete to get me a guitar for my birthday...

What's tugging at the edges of your curiosity this season?

Living my dream

It's been 2 hours since I woke to feed the animals. Usually I go back to sleep since feeding time corresponds with the dawn, which is ridiculously early in summertime! However, today I've been laying awake in our family bed with my 3-year old snuggled into my back and my expectant bundle wriggling in my belly, while my husband enjoys his one day a week to sleep past 6. Sadly, I haven't really been paying attention to the sweetness of the moment. I've been lost in a world of Internet articles about the SB 5 filibuster yesterday in Austin, Texas, the new found cultural norm of empowering stretch marks, and blogs of world travelers pondering when my dreams will become reality.

In truth, one I tend to forget often, I am living my dream in this moment. While we stress about silly things like insurance premiums, birth fees, and electricity bills, I haven't been personally affected by anti-abortion laws. I do struggle with a healthy body image that comes with being a woman in western society, but I also know sex appeal is an attitude, not an image.

And as for living my dream? Which one am I focusing on? The tongue-in-cheek "dream house" that is laughingly spoken of with indoor waterfalls, perfectly manicured moss-covered stone walks that overlook the ocean, and a gourmet kitchen we will never cook in for fear of scratching the stainless steal countertops? Yeah, those are fun to dream about as vacation destinations. I don't really want to live there. I like it here, comfortable with all the real life that surrounds me (as my dog begs to go outside to take care of her morning business of walking the property and remarking her territory).

I do dream of being closer to my family, my sisters and cousins specifically. Of going on huge family camp outs and listening to my daughter learn guitar tricks from her uncles. Of having the freedom to add more "farm" animals to my backyard, afternoons of canning homemade jam with my sister, and paying off Sallie Mae. 

Those things will happen in time, when I'm truly ready. Right now? Right now it's about cherishing the dream I am living: having time to spend with my daughter; prepping for a safe birth; enjoying the antics of backyard hens trying to raid the bird feeder at 7:30 on a Wednesday; living just slowly enough that we get to spend time with Peter, playing board games, going on walks and eating ice cream while listening to live local bands.

The time will come when politicians stop trying to legalize their personal morality, when I'll be thankful I never mumbled the   words "I'm fat, ugly and unattractive" in the presence of my girls, when student loans are repaid, and when I wonder if I really need all these rabbits, goats and chickens running around. While I still cling to my college dream of visiting 40 countries before I'm 80, I know I am living my dream to the fullest right now. Texas is a foreign country compared to Oregon, right? 

And in that future moment when the fox has got in the henhouse, or mother rabbit has consumed her kittens in fear, and I'm fed up with homesteading, hopefully I'll remember this moment: laying peacefully in the morning light and being content with right now.

.dreaming.

As I sit in the morning sun, eating my granola and homemade yogurt, sipping jasmine tea and giggling at the way the cat and dog always find the warmest place to wait for the late morning start that has become normal around here. Somehow I trained my girl that morning is after 9 and she should sleep until then no matter when we went to bed. Not sure I how I got so lucky! Especially when us grown-ups have to get up and tend to the animals and prepare for jobs just before dawn, which is about 6:45 these days.

I digress.

With the dog on the sofa in the sun, and the cat on the bed snuggling with munchkin, I have so many thoughts and dreams running circles through my head. I find myself returning to the same dream at the brink of every new season: Returning to Portland. Perhaps this Spring will be our last in the Midwest. Perhaps this summer I can spend hours on the river bank with my sisters and dear friends who I haven't seen in nearly 2 years (wow!). Or perhaps, I'll plant the infamous Texas Summer garden for canning in late October. Which brings me back to now: planning for the garden!

I have been enjoying Sharon Lovejoy's Roots Shoots Buckets and Boots. Themed gardening with kids. Easily grown edible flowers and vegetables with ideas for things to watch for as you walk daily with children in the garden and unique ways to eat the harvest . I think we've decided on the Sipping and Snacking Garden, if I can find Alpine Strawberry and Lemon Cucumber seedlings here in Texas. If not, I do believe we will be modifying the design to fit what we have. It will be fun to teach Emagene which flowers are edible, sprinkling them on salads and freezing them in ice cubes for decorating tea!

I'm excited to get at it! The list is already forming: I need to replenish my kelp and fish emulsion, purchase B12 for transplanting and get that compost really worked into the garden. We spread a bunch of homemade compost just after New Year and have been letting the chickens pick the mealworms out of the garden plots. It may be time to start working the soil and mixing it all together, keeping in mind it is only barely February and we are due for at least one more round of hard freezing. But it is never to early to acquire seeds, order seedlings (from where? must find a local nursery!) and make the endless To Do lists that litter my counter and are promptly forgotten when the old Fisher Price Sherwood Forest playset (dubbed the Treehouse around here) starts calling for the dollhouse family to come play, which or course takes at least two humans since there are six dolls and a puppy to manipulate.

Well, that's how I spend most of my days. (Enter Fresh Prince of Bel Air reference here.) What's going on in your world?

Dreaming

Spring Onion Blossoms, Photo by Sara Dalton-Busch

It really is amazing what can get the dream machine a-whirring! A phone call, a walk, a random conversation with a friend. Having a dream and actualizing one are completely different activities. Sometimes, just picturing a fantasy future makes the now a tad more pleasurable, joyful even, especially if there is just a hint that what one is doing now might possibly lead to the living of said dream.

I took a walk and dreamt of a small farm, a meeting hall dedicated to no religion in particular, a place for classes and lots of community. He heard the words "Flight Attendant" in conversation and dreamt of flying for the same airline. Both of these dreams are just beyond reach and therefore are almost tangible. Some days this may seem frustrating, others are greeted as a sign that we are doing the "right" things to get where we want to be.

As Polexia says in the movie Almost Famous: "it's all happening!" I'm so glad to be reminded of this!!

If not for dreams, what would be the state of things?

an update and some musings

While there has been a healthy mix of stress (see last post) and boredom in my life these days, I seem to struggle finding time to blog. Some of this is because I filled in the last page of my paper journal and am hesitant to blog without filtering my thoughts on paper first. (Note to self: must by a journal ASAP!)

So a brief update to all 11 of you followers and the countless eavesdroppers out there: After a much needed full moon rite and meditation, a tiny little money chant (please don't run in fear!), and some positive days with the garden, I got a call from the local chapter of my union and got to work! Yay! When life is tough, nothing helps me see the silver lining and feel like I can and am doing something to help better what can be seen as a negative situation like earning my half of the income. Soon after these 2 'glorious' days in Fort Worth, a friend started texting me out of the blue with news of work days back in Tulsa. I jumped on it, called the steward and then proceeded to spend most of my week driving back and forth, working long hours and hardly sleeping. Oh! but the joy of doing something made it all worth it! (that and seeing some really good people whom I've been missing.)

We're not out of the woods yet (as "they" say), but we feel a little saner. Those first few months of student loan repayments can kill morale, motivation and joy. Not being able to find additional work, chickens tearing up the garden, borrowing money, adding these to the mix can lead to frustration and depression if not careful. I think we, as a family, are getting a handle on dealing with these moments and are starting to make headway.

Next, depending on one or two factors, we will decide if we are indeed staying in Denton and pushing on or returning to Tulsa, picking up old jobs and hoping for a better outcome. The dream is still to go to Portland for Christmas and stay there, with jobs, living arrangements and all that. Until that happens, I will keep living for the dream (and collecting eggs everyday since all the girls have started laying as of today).

Between the Lives

Sometimes I feel torn between two worlds. I wish it was this one and the fairies, but really it's the one I think I'm living and the one everyone else seems to be living.

I dream of 'our dream house' with gardens and chickens and awesome family bonds, art/craft night, music and piles of books. I start to think 'we're headed there soon. We have the bonds and crafts and books'.

But then, for some unknown reason, I think the rest of my life isn't real. My closest friends are 'my friends in the computer'. The real people i know, well, sometimes I feel they just use my need for face to face conversation time as a chance to make money. I don't really want people to tell me how to live more in my power when they don't take the time to share in my being outside of workshops.

Then I get homesick for Old Friends who have had time to get past this hurdle, but sadly live 1000s of miles away or on a different continent.

Skype only helps so much.

Then i sit on the kitchen floor, eating hummus and reading Eric Carle with my favorite almost 2-year-old, and things in my head click back into place. I remember I do know people who love me, share with me, are willing to listen and advise without a love offering. while they don't live in my house, they DO live this town (although I wouldn't mind cohabitating with some of them.)

I remember I am blessed. And that I bless. And these things should not be taken for granted.

I may not live the 'dream' but I do live the Dream v 1.0 which will soon become v 1.5. So I breathe in peace and breathe out disappointment, because there is no room that here.