A beautiful mess

"What a beautiful mess. What a beautiful mess I'm in." ~ Diamond Rio

Lately I'm finding myself feeling comfortable in the fullness of motherhood. I do miss the free Maiden of my youth from time to time but I'm willing to bet this is normal, healthy even. Every so often tapping into that youthfulness helps me remember to laugh, puts household stress in the appropriate place and renews my creativity and playfulness so I can better connect with my children, my partner, my Self. 

But ah motherhood. The nurturing of others, the constant raw emotions that hurt for children the world over, the moving into wisdom that only comes through experience. I do have to remind myself to let my inner Crone, that contentment with staying home and doing things my way all that time and getting stuck in routines, I have to let her stay asleep just a bit longer. My children are small. Yes, they benefit from routines and wisdom and the security of knowing momma has done this before, but I benefit from not getting stuck.

I am curious how, now that I have two, I feel more comfortable with this role. With the coming of motherhood and my first child I was not comfortable being at home all the time, allowing boredom to sneak in and force inner quiet and personal creativity. Now that my second child has enter toddlerhood and doesn't need me as much as she did in infancy (and boy do they NEED you then!) I feel a little more space in my days. A little more spontaneity returning. A healthier blend of maiden and mother energy. It's freeing, like the feeling of coming of age with new horizons to explore. 

So, with this new accepted growth comes a new adventure. I'm taking an online painting course that is challenging not only my creativity but also my psyche. We are exploring metaphysical themes, having philosophical discussions and painting through our questions to our answers.

It has already been a beautiful experience highlighting just how unbalanced my home life truly  is! Food is being prepared, laundry and chores are being maintained, sick children are being tended to, but yet the house is a constant disaster. I'm taking a few minutes to read assignments in the morning, Emagene and I paint and create through Aoife's nap, and then I join in the online discussions while Pete bathes the girls. All times when I used to run around putting up toys and folding other people's laundry and other general tidying. You can imagine the state of my house! Why does including daily self care mean the highlighting of everyone else's need for MY care? Ah motherhood. 

I wish you could see the state of my soul! 

It is healing. Reconnecting my maiden and mother, searching for a way to include the crone so the rest of my family doesn't implode from the stress of living in chaos.  It is a beautiful mess. I may be absent a bit from here and from Facebook during this month-long class but I will return, hopefully full of bliss and ready for a more balanced, creative approach to life, especially now that the weather has changed to perfect and the children have learned how to play together.  

May your soul find wings and laughter in every day!