Cyber vs IRL

Tell me about the Insta-story? It's basically snapchat on Instagram, right? It's not like Facebook live where you can catch up and watch later if you take a few weeks off from social media, right? If you miss the story within 24 hrs it's gone, right? You missed out on part of whoever you're following's life because you took a break from whatever reason (I usually take breaks because I need to clean my house and hug my kids.)


So... How do we have real life interactions with people when we have to keep checking their live feeds and stories to "know what's up with them?" How do we learn to be kind, tactful and truthful when we're constantly seeking the connections we crave on a tiny screen? How can we learn to trust our selves when we are constantly distracted by the pizazz of another's way to do life?


Blech!


I'm all for having a cyber tribe. They're super helpful and lovely in times of isolation and distance, but I don't believe humans were meant to be isolated or to develop relationships with the world through a computer in their hand. I want an IRL (in real life) tribe who will get dirty in the woods, who will come over and bake or paint, whom my children will grow up knowing as safe people, role models and other trusted adults when mom's not available. I want backyard cookouts and singalongs. Those can't happen when we're all staring at our phones trying not to miss each other's lives. By doing that we are actually missing out on each other's lives! It's easy to type "I'll pray for you" but it takes work to bake a meal or clean the house of someone in need. It takes work to truly connect with other humans. And I get it, connecting can be messy. We have to apologize from time to time instead of pretending we didn't see the message that said we hurt someone's feelings. We have to roll up our sleeves and put our deeds behind our words for more than the 10 seconds it takes to snap a pic and post it. we get held accountable when we have IRL community, but its a beautiful thing to know those people also have your back should trouble find its way to your door.


I commit to working in my relationships IRL. Cultivating a tribe is just as much work, and therefore just as rewarding, as cultivating an herb garden. Each plant has a personality and a skill, each person in my life does too. How do we work together? Some of us grow well side by side daily, others are delicious when stirred together in healing teas or soups. Others need room to grow tall and spread out in order to gain the deep wisdom of a life lived in the clouds. I am thankful for our time together in stillness, embracing the cooling quiet moments in the shade, of the wisdom found in being still, together, and listening to loved ones in real life.


My Cyber tribe is all over the world, full of exotic spices and flair and I wouldn't trade them for anything! My IRL tribe suffers every time we move. They get pushed into Cyber tribe and i fear my Cyber tribe doesn't get to see the real me, the me that can only be seen by looking each other in the eyes, through all the many ways humans interact when in the same room: energetically, emotionally, telepathically, hormonally. I love the idea that when women are gathered together there is a natural release of oxytocin in the space. (I say "idea" because I haven't fully researched the claim and don't like to make scientific statements I can't backup. But still the idea is beautiful!) It so much harder to pretend that "thing" isn't bothering me when a trusted someone is looking me in the face. Its so much easier to hide behind a screen and pretend I got my shit together. You know what? I don't have my shit together. I don't think I ever have. I am constantly rearranging ideas and plans and modifying even up to GO time. It works to stay flexible sometimes, but to say I have my shit together would be a lie. And a trusted friend looking me in the face would be able to catch me in that lie much easier than in a text message or a well framed and edited Instagram post.


So I'm not gonna fake my life with you guys. I may not have my shit 100% together, I have piles of baggage to sort through and discard, I believe I will never stop growing, but I will keep coming back to myself (and hopefully this space) along the way and keep what is still working and throw out the rest. Unclutter your life, that's a hashtag movement, right? But my favorite is #unfaketheworld and that starts with un-faking me.


So cyber and IRL tribe, let's be real with each other. Social media, while helpful, can be distracting. Let's get there and see each other (especially this time of year when the darkness makes us feel even more alone than usual) and hold each up, practice active listening and truth-telling. Be together and feel your energy shift. There's magic when people get together in love (side note, love doesn't mean mushy, gooey, see-it-in-the-movies BS, it means mutual respect and adoration that genuinely cares for the other's well-being). Now text someone and make plans to walk in the park or get coffee or whatever you love to do that won't break your budget, just put down the phone and look them in the face!


Do it!

New year, New rhythms

It seems that every January, once we rest off the holidays, we end up embracing the same ideal rhythm. This rhythm usually dies by summer and while we think about instigating it again when "school" starts in the autumn, it takes us until January to get back here. I say "usually", but as you all know we've moved twice, had a couple babies, added pets and changed jobs since coming out this way. These things have a way of demanding and creating their own rhythms. What I'm thinking about specifically is my personal, ideal schedule. My waking routine with yoga, pet and garden care done before the kids wake, healthy eating habits, energy left after the kids go to bed, real life face time with my partner, handcrafting and all the other things that go into feeding my soul. How do these disappear first and so quickly when our rhythms adjust to meet the newest change?

I'm sure some of you keep different schedules to coincide with the longer daylight hours and on holidays, but my question for you is, how do you create daily rhythms for your family when every day is different?

We have a stable bedtime routine. It's as consistent as the sunset: it happens but at a different hour every day. My ideal morning practices are wonderful, but some days we have to take dad to work before dawn, others 2 hours after dawn. Some days we rush off to our morning activity after dropping off dad, others we take a nap before heading out. Some days start with letting the chickens out, others with the baby waking first. I try to squeeze in 10-15 minutes of yoga before lunch and aim to get the kitchen clean right after dinner. (I am not keen on sharing my house with unwanted insects.) 

Emagene is a rock star helper with small chores like dusting, picking up to vacuum, emptying the dishwasher and loading the washing machine. Aoife, however, is not quite there yet. I wear her during our busy home keeping days so she can be a part of things. Sadly, squatting to empty the washer with a baby on is wearing on my back. So instead I find myself rushing around like a maniac during the baby's morning nap just to get things done, often with big sis watching Disney junior videos when she's not able to help with the pressing chore of the day. I am starting to feel like Mama Bear from the Bearenstain Bears Trouble with Chores.

So, how do you do it? Are you able to balance the needs of the house with the joys of childhood? Squeeze in a little reading for yourself? Remembering to make self-care and relational maintenance a daily priority? Do you have a secret you can share with those who visit this page?

I have to remind myself everyday to be flexible. The dishes can wait a half hour while I play princesses with my preschooler. The TV will stay off when the paints are out. Dusting can be done by the Dusting Fairies, while having a dance party (momma hates dusting. least favorite chore.)

The Dusting Fairies can be a little mischievous and actually create more work in the long run, but that is the way of the Faery Folk.

Mopping is part of playing Cinderella, complimented by dress-up ball gown. Food prep will be messier with little people helping, but it will be more fun and the dog picks up most of the droppings.

If not helping mince mushrooms, at least those tiny princess toys are rubbery and don't mind being stepped on

And while I don't always enjoy being a climbing gym while stretching, I do enjoy my kids embracing yoga as a fun daily activity. The quiet meditation or soul-food reading must wait for the quiet miracle of reasonable bedtimes and daddy working late.
 

I do long for the stability of a grown-up job schedule which would grant me a couple hours a week to do my own solitary thing, but we just aren't there yet. Date night is an even more distant dream. I'm grateful that this family is in the habit of making each others dreams come true. Knowing that, reminds me that we'll get there. Everyone will have a chance to do what they need. At the moment I get 1 guaranteed night every 4-6 weeks to feed my soul with other like-minded friends (typically with kids in tow). Any other soulfood moments are a pleasant treat and thoroughly appreciated.

Feel free to share experience in the comments below or on Facebook.

crunch time

So I've entered the countdown phase of pregnancy. Based on the last go around, I like to slow roast babies, so i don't expect a baby or any newborn photos until Labor Day. That said, don't expect too much around this site at all until about that time. There's so much to still get done! For example: Read the manual, install the carseat. Buy the last few needed labor/birth/baby items and pack the bags for the birth center. Remember peter's swim suit. Get the house cleaned to my preferences before company starts arriving. Freeze a few meals. Stock the pantry. Get a chicken with a broken leg mended. Decide which class Emagene is going to take for the month of August and sign her up. Soon. Load up on library movies and books for that first month of no sleeping. Draw a treasure map to entertain Emagene while I'm laboring with her sister. Get a handle on the typical end of summer yard work. Print off the helpful tips pages I was encouraged to create for out of town helpers. Cast my belly and paint it. And somewhere in there i would love to find the time and money to get a pedicure, a prenatal massage, a cut and color, and a maternity photo session.

While all this seems overwhelming, I have a month, easy, to get it completed. And as I'm sure you've learned about me by now, i'm pretty good at prioritizing. By the end of today. I'll have read the carseat manual, made an extensive shopping and packing list, and possibly reserved a handful of library materials, prematurely. Some people call this phase nesting. I can see why they do. However, in my case, I'm just like this normally - detailed, particular and focused. Forgetful pregnancy brain drives me crazy!! 

And I like to ramble.

That said, I think I'll go edit some photos for a story in pictures about Emagene's summer art classes at the rec center.

the inner workings of my mind, part 1

An old college roommate's mother used to say "you can do anything for a year." Its true. I lived in London for almost a year, I've been on the verge of penniless for a year, I've tried so many different forms of religious expression for roughly a year each. I've blogged for a year. I've studied theatre, art history, world religions, American history, farming, birth, parenting, unschooling and other interests for about a year each. (If I keep listing things, I'm gonna sound really old, so I'll stop the list here.)

In all this searching, I've found a handful of constant Truths. The Truth that continues to ring the loudest is We Are All Connected. How I supplement the soil affects the bug population which affects the plant production which affects the food supply which affects the hunger level and food quality of the population which in turn affects the health and peace of the planet. How I treat my neighbor affects his mood which affects how he treats the next person he comes across and so on. From this base, the rest of my convictions begin to take shape.

I was raised in a conservative christian household. Like many "good christian" families we were at the church building any time the doors were open. We limited our interactions to church related activities, "helping" those less fortunate usually by praying for them. And yet I somehow came away from that house with a musical appreciation for the Smashing Pumpkins, Nirvana, Sarah McLachan, Boys to Men, and the other heathen artists of my high school years.

My mother blames my part-time attendance at the public high school for my spiritual degradation. I thank that same experience for opening up my mind to the possibilities this life has to offer. I never would have found my professional passion or my husband without the freedom of mind to explore my convictions. But what I truly learned from that "real world" experience (as real as high school gets) is the simple difference between those two perspectives: blame and thanks. Blaming coats an experience in a blanket of negative assuming the only result is something less than positive. Thanking an experience for the opportunity to learn and grow acknowledges that, while not all the choices made may have been the most helpful, one can come away with profound revelations and know what choice might serve better the next time around. That simple, yet profound distinction set me in a lifelong search for the spiritual expression that makes my soul fly.

And so, here I am nearing the end of a year in Texas surrounded by a lovely group of Wiccans. I have discovered that what I love about Wicca is the same aspect I love about Judaism, Buddhism, Jainism and many tribal ways: the focus on the female in deity and a love of the mystical. It was always hard for me to understand the compassion of an angry Father God, but compassion in a Mother Spirit who holds her children with loving arms while letting them choose their own expression of life without judgment is an easier picture of unconditional love for me to digest. The concept that the energy we put into our deeds comes back to us, found in the theories of Karma or the Three-Fold Rule, which only works when love it spread unselfishly without trying to change or manipulate is such a freeing idea! I don't need to convert anyone to my way of being, I just need to live true to myself and accept others as they are when they cross my path. In doing so, I will inadvertently spread the freedom of simply BE-ing to those around me and spread peace. For when we try to impress others, we begin to let stress into our lives.

While I adore these expressions of love, I do not completely understand any of these faith traditions. I still haven't chosen one that fits me. Chanting in Sanskrit always brings tears to my eyes and releases the tightness in my chest. Honoring the Moon and living by the Seasons is not only sustainable spiritually, it is required if I want my garden to thrive without artificial aides.

At the moment, I am a blend of many things. A little backwoods farmer, a little bit of a country-dweller, a little bit of a city girl, a little bit of a non-Christian. So, according to definition, I must be a Pagan. Whatever label I ascribe myself, I will live fully in accordance to the peaceful nature of my heart. I only ask that you be gentle with my heart, for what faith tradition you choose is your choice and I will not ask you change the direction your heart is set upon.

May we continue our journey together in peace and do our best to understand each other. No one lives the same experience as any one else, therefore we can not expect any one to have the same convictions or be on the same path as ourselves.

Namaste.

Morning

For the last week and a bit, emagene has been waking soon after or during the morning "farm" chores. Or rather at dawn.

This is new. We have always been a sleep until 930 or 10 family. We also go to bed around 930, so this works for us. Getting up at dawn does not. Yes, I have to let the chickens out so they have access to food, water, and their personal Favorite nesting box. But after opening the doors, refilling their bowls and a quick glance that no one is injured, I go back to bed for an hour!

I do attribute a few of these morning wakings to my forgetting to close the blinds in emagene's room the previous night. That pesky, and beautiful, morning sun, with it's shifting arc as the seasons change, now shines straight on her tiny sleeping face.

Other mornings, she arrises unsure if we are taking daddy to work or if she should wave at him through the front windows. Either way, it's a guaranteed moment with her father before he starts another 10-14 hour work day so I let it be and get on with breakfast preparations.

More often then not, as the colors fade from the sky and I'm slipping back in bed for a few more blissful moments of sleep, I hear "momma!" coming from across the hall. she'll crawl in with me for a few moments before the hunger sets in, or she'll call out, hear my reply and fall back to sleep. On the nights when she has joined us in the big bed, a reassuring snuggle typically puts her back to sleep. Lately it's been all about snuggling in the overstuffed rocking armchair, with a breakfast smoothie, watching Mickey mouse clubhouse on YouTube.

I know all things change in time. In this moment, in the absence of afternoon naps, I am thoroughly grateful when we go back to sleep for a couple of hours before we start our day of park playdates, chores, or swimming lessons.

an update and some musings

While there has been a healthy mix of stress (see last post) and boredom in my life these days, I seem to struggle finding time to blog. Some of this is because I filled in the last page of my paper journal and am hesitant to blog without filtering my thoughts on paper first. (Note to self: must by a journal ASAP!)

So a brief update to all 11 of you followers and the countless eavesdroppers out there: After a much needed full moon rite and meditation, a tiny little money chant (please don't run in fear!), and some positive days with the garden, I got a call from the local chapter of my union and got to work! Yay! When life is tough, nothing helps me see the silver lining and feel like I can and am doing something to help better what can be seen as a negative situation like earning my half of the income. Soon after these 2 'glorious' days in Fort Worth, a friend started texting me out of the blue with news of work days back in Tulsa. I jumped on it, called the steward and then proceeded to spend most of my week driving back and forth, working long hours and hardly sleeping. Oh! but the joy of doing something made it all worth it! (that and seeing some really good people whom I've been missing.)

We're not out of the woods yet (as "they" say), but we feel a little saner. Those first few months of student loan repayments can kill morale, motivation and joy. Not being able to find additional work, chickens tearing up the garden, borrowing money, adding these to the mix can lead to frustration and depression if not careful. I think we, as a family, are getting a handle on dealing with these moments and are starting to make headway.

Next, depending on one or two factors, we will decide if we are indeed staying in Denton and pushing on or returning to Tulsa, picking up old jobs and hoping for a better outcome. The dream is still to go to Portland for Christmas and stay there, with jobs, living arrangements and all that. Until that happens, I will keep living for the dream (and collecting eggs everyday since all the girls have started laying as of today).

Today

Just an idea of Normal around here:
Got up and ate granola, bananas, tea and milk. Threw laundry in the washer. Fed the chickens and opened their run. Fed the dog. Got the child dressed with promises of playgrounds and ice cream sandwiches (momma needed to get coffee on our walk today). Debated whether to take the wagon or the stroller because backpack with ice cream is not advised. Ended up Pushing the stroller while small one held the leash for smaller one. Played at school playground near our house. Got coffee and ice cream for walk home. Searched for chicks. All accounted for, hiding in new 'tree fort'. Erected a shade canopy over chicken run involving a sarong, some clothespins and the hedge. Dad came home for lunch with strange news. When he left we took out recycling. Chatted with neighbors; youngest daughter now wants a pet chicken. Caught one and brought it to her to pet. Unfortunately for her dad, solidified her interest in keeping chickens. Made mini pizza. Ate popcorn. watched monsters. Went swimming. Watched chickens catch bugs in our 'swamp.' Changed laundry. Texted dad a grocery list. Painted. Invented games involving puff balls and stickers. Put away groceries. Made dinner while the other cleaned up from more swimming. Ate. Fed chickens and locked them up for the night. Cleaned kitchen with the mister while munchkin got distracted searching under sink for bubbles. After cleaning up dishwasher detergent realized naked toddler was splashing and soaping up with bubble solution in middle of kitchen floor. Blew bubbles. Bathed child. Put away puff balls, laundry. Got sticker bombed. Realized i have a slight sunburn. Snuggled munchkin to sleep as she asked for Seals and Crofts Summer Breezes to be turned up. Ate ice cream. Played scrabble.

Long Late Naps

First: I don't think I would have survived this long in Parenthood without them.

Second: I find it amazing that all the small creatures who rely on me for their well being nap at roughly the same time. Those long hours just before sunset, when the shadows are starting to pop up, the breezes kick in, and the temperature has (in some cases, finally) started dropping.

Usually this is my only quiet moment all day. I can read, watch a non-G rated movie, Facebook, nap, bake, make an elaborate dinner, sleep, get a lot of chores done really fast, or play XBOX.

Today, I took 5 minutes to blog, and then I'm gonna pee (alone!) and take a nap.

In case you cared.

Epiphanies, Part 1

These happen a lot. Mostly as sound bites, so bare with me. I'll try to explain what I mean.

• Life is in a constant state of transition. You only notice it of you are resisting change.

We are transitioning from school to workforce, from a one bedroom to a 2, from no tv to way too much and back down again, from living in a big city to not, to having a thriving urban homestead, to being married, with kid, ...

• Having miso soup powder in the cupboard is the best thing ever!

In a pinch, Emagene will always consume miso. It's faster than macncheese (other favorite) and easier than packing up and heading to a drive thru. I nannied for a little guy while I was pregnant and his dad argued that making pasta took 10 minutes and sometimes they can't wait that long, so he takes the kid to mcd's. I still roll my eyes at this. I can easily have the Mac or miso ready in the time it takes to get e in the car!

• Not being on a schedule is freeing, but having a concept of how much time has passed can save a toddler melt down.

We've never been scheduled eaters. We eat when we're hungry. This is typically every 4 hours, but not set in stone. I believe no one can tell me when to be hungry so I am unable to tell my 2-year old when she should be ready to eat. That said, if she hasn't eaten in 4 hours, I probably should get something together before she showcases just how unbalanced her systems are.

How do you DO life?

Recently my kid sister Christmased in Africa. She returned with, among other things, a handmade dress for my daughter and an observation: we're all different, yet the same. Some things (specifically, breasts and breastfeeding) aren't as big of a deal there as here.

This kind of realization is one of the main reasons I love to travel.

What do the locals do? While the tourist stops are interesting, what's the everyday like for the majority of the people? How do they DO life? Where is it the same? Where is it different? We all have to eat, sleep, survive the barren season, we all have a family, etc. How does this place do that environmentally, physically, spiritually? How does that shape the worldview of the people who live this daily? What can I learn from them? Should some part of my life change or grow based on this new knowledge? Are my ways 'better' ? Should I share them and risk changing the balance of this place?

In most cases, my travels have changed me for the better and I haven't found anything about how I do life that they NEED to know, other than cholera prevention. There is nothing more profound about the way I show love than how other cultures I've been blessed to immerse myself in show love.

Typically these other cultures seem less wasteful, more resourceful, more family focused, more welcoming and therefore less 'needy' for stuff.

Perhaps this is why I'm not very fond of the culture I currently find myself immersed in.

Working It

Since moving halfway across the country, money has been tight. Income wages are about half of those where we came from and Sallie Mae doesn't factor that into her monthly demands.

Than we had a kid, I was forcibly cut back at work, and our income dropped again.

Fortunately, we qualified for state insurance or we would have had to learn how to have an unassisted birth. (totally doable and I am in awe of women who have done this!) we probably could have qualified for WIC but they never returned my calls. And based on what I've heard since then, I wouldn't have been happy with it anyway.

While they are an awesome service for those who need assistance, they provide mostly cereal, dairy and dried rice and beans. We like to buy fresh produce first and get those other things with the money left over.

We've joined a co-op and grow some of our own food. We've learned how to be creative with our money (since we stink at 'budgeting' - but isn't that just creative money on paper?) We don't do drive thrus, are really limited on the processed snacks and freezer fillers, so we can get by without the federal aid.

Maybe the service is out there and I'm uneducated about it, but wouldn't it be great it you could use your WIC voucher at the farmers market? Or have a larger produce allotment (i hear its something like $6)? Maybe an honest food awareness class, not funded by Big Ag, encouraging the population to really eat our broccoli?