Seasonal jealousy

I'll be honest: living in Texas has made me unnecessarily jealous of everyone else's autumn! This last week or so all I hear (well, read actually) on blogs, Facebook, etc is about leaf colors, cold air and even frosts.

Enter Jealousy.

It's been 4 years since I lived in the pride lands of Portlandia and I haven't experienced a proper autumn in all that time. Blizzard-y Winter, yes. Hellfire Summer, double yes. Hayfever Spring, plenty. Beautiful Autumn, not so much. Everything here is still green, lower 80s, tiny bit of clouds who may or may not rain. No fog, no mist, no sweaters, no cold winds, no scarfs or hats, no extra hot mochas.

Until today! It's supposed to get down in the forties. Finally! I may wear socks to the Denton Herbal Society's All Things Garlic class at the library (in addition to other socially approved clothing). I may drink hot coffee just to hold it in my hands. I may share a blanket with my girl and watch Mary Poppins. I may read up on how to keep the chickens alive in cold weather. I may stop musing about the weather and chat about real issues. Stuff that's kept me offline and in my journal. Stuff that's encouraged spending hours texting and calling friends, playing games and painting pumpkins with my family. Issues best discussed with those I find thicker than blood over a glass of wine.

In blatant, frank, plain honesty, this autumn has rekindled my longing to be close to my loved ones (friends and family). I mask this heartache by calling it jealousy and blaming the weather. But really, I'm tired of not sharing my life with the people I cherish. I choose to handle this situation by sending you mail, electronic and otherwise. Feel free to send me some, too. Maybe when I move back (someday. please?) we can melt smoothly back into the habit of hugging each other often and being present through the daily grind.
Know that you are loved.

an update and some musings

While there has been a healthy mix of stress (see last post) and boredom in my life these days, I seem to struggle finding time to blog. Some of this is because I filled in the last page of my paper journal and am hesitant to blog without filtering my thoughts on paper first. (Note to self: must by a journal ASAP!)

So a brief update to all 11 of you followers and the countless eavesdroppers out there: After a much needed full moon rite and meditation, a tiny little money chant (please don't run in fear!), and some positive days with the garden, I got a call from the local chapter of my union and got to work! Yay! When life is tough, nothing helps me see the silver lining and feel like I can and am doing something to help better what can be seen as a negative situation like earning my half of the income. Soon after these 2 'glorious' days in Fort Worth, a friend started texting me out of the blue with news of work days back in Tulsa. I jumped on it, called the steward and then proceeded to spend most of my week driving back and forth, working long hours and hardly sleeping. Oh! but the joy of doing something made it all worth it! (that and seeing some really good people whom I've been missing.)

We're not out of the woods yet (as "they" say), but we feel a little saner. Those first few months of student loan repayments can kill morale, motivation and joy. Not being able to find additional work, chickens tearing up the garden, borrowing money, adding these to the mix can lead to frustration and depression if not careful. I think we, as a family, are getting a handle on dealing with these moments and are starting to make headway.

Next, depending on one or two factors, we will decide if we are indeed staying in Denton and pushing on or returning to Tulsa, picking up old jobs and hoping for a better outcome. The dream is still to go to Portland for Christmas and stay there, with jobs, living arrangements and all that. Until that happens, I will keep living for the dream (and collecting eggs everyday since all the girls have started laying as of today).

Hearts and Minds

  A lot of people dear to me have been through and are continuing through some really tough life stuff. The kind of stuff that makes me stop and think, what would I do if that was my story right now? Mostly I just cry; for them, over them and because it's the only thing I could possibly do if these stories were mine. Naturally the full range of emotions runs through me and I do my best to ground myself and let those precious people live their own stories while making myself available, with tissues, if needed. It's doubly hard when I'm 2000 miles away from these dear ones and cannot physically take them for drinks, make them dinner or clean their bathrooms while they try to heal, make tough decisions or just simply nap.

  Then I struggle with feelings of selfishness. It's not my story, why am I hurting so bad? Do I want to help because my heart is breaking for them or is my heart breaking due to helplessness of the situation or due to my inability to help?? I feel confident that if the love wasn't mutual, their heart-wrenching situation wouldn't leave me offering to clean their toilets. I can find peace knowing that they are not alone, that I can send them healing and positive energy, and pray for someone physically closer to them to take the initiative. I can long distance hire a maid for a day. Or send chocolate bouquets. None of it will stop the cancer, heal the lungs or bring a baby back to life but it might offer a chance to smile and take a break from the overwhelming existence of the painful side of life. Frustrating little sayings spin through my head and I get upset at them: "where there's a will there's a way", "everything in it's time", "with extreme love comes extreme pain". They are truth, but right now truth is painful and unwanted. My heart also aches for the mothers of these, forced to hold their ailing babes, knowing this could be the last moment.

   I struggle with my religious convictions all at once. Where can we find the strength to go on? From god? From within themselves? From the support of others? From the earth and her never ending presence? From religion? From alcohol, food, cigarettes, etc.? There are so many stories like these playing out around us yet, as outsiders, we try to legalise some ways of coping and degrade people for choosing methods we wouldn't recommend. What if you held your 2- hour old son and watched him take his last breathe? Would you be able to still swear off a strong drink at the end of the day? I wouldn't. Would you not have doubts or anger toward the object of your faith tradition for even a moment? I would. So would the father battling tumours. It can get overwhelming quickly!

  In these moments I choose peace, i breathe and let my spirit guide the healing; for in living the questions, the answers become apparent. Maybe not tomorrow, but someday it will all make sense and we will all heal.

photo credit unknown. If you know, please message me and I will give credit where its due.

Between the Lives

Sometimes I feel torn between two worlds. I wish it was this one and the fairies, but really it's the one I think I'm living and the one everyone else seems to be living.

I dream of 'our dream house' with gardens and chickens and awesome family bonds, art/craft night, music and piles of books. I start to think 'we're headed there soon. We have the bonds and crafts and books'.

But then, for some unknown reason, I think the rest of my life isn't real. My closest friends are 'my friends in the computer'. The real people i know, well, sometimes I feel they just use my need for face to face conversation time as a chance to make money. I don't really want people to tell me how to live more in my power when they don't take the time to share in my being outside of workshops.

Then I get homesick for Old Friends who have had time to get past this hurdle, but sadly live 1000s of miles away or on a different continent.

Skype only helps so much.

Then i sit on the kitchen floor, eating hummus and reading Eric Carle with my favorite almost 2-year-old, and things in my head click back into place. I remember I do know people who love me, share with me, are willing to listen and advise without a love offering. while they don't live in my house, they DO live this town (although I wouldn't mind cohabitating with some of them.)

I remember I am blessed. And that I bless. And these things should not be taken for granted.

I may not live the 'dream' but I do live the Dream v 1.0 which will soon become v 1.5. So I breathe in peace and breathe out disappointment, because there is no room that here.