Then I struggle with feelings of selfishness. It's not my story, why am I hurting so bad? Do I want to help because my heart is breaking for them or is my heart breaking due to helplessness of the situation or due to my inability to help?? I feel confident that if the love wasn't mutual, their heart-wrenching situation wouldn't leave me offering to clean their toilets. I can find peace knowing that they are not alone, that I can send them healing and positive energy, and pray for someone physically closer to them to take the initiative. I can long distance hire a maid for a day. Or send chocolate bouquets. None of it will stop the cancer, heal the lungs or bring a baby back to life but it might offer a chance to smile and take a break from the overwhelming existence of the painful side of life. Frustrating little sayings spin through my head and I get upset at them: "where there's a will there's a way", "everything in it's time", "with extreme love comes extreme pain". They are truth, but right now truth is painful and unwanted. My heart also aches for the mothers of these, forced to hold their ailing babes, knowing this could be the last moment.
I struggle with my religious convictions all at once. Where can we find the strength to go on? From god? From within themselves? From the support of others? From the earth and her never ending presence? From religion? From alcohol, food, cigarettes, etc.? There are so many stories like these playing out around us yet, as outsiders, we try to legalise some ways of coping and degrade people for choosing methods we wouldn't recommend. What if you held your 2- hour old son and watched him take his last breathe? Would you be able to still swear off a strong drink at the end of the day? I wouldn't. Would you not have doubts or anger toward the object of your faith tradition for even a moment? I would. So would the father battling tumours. It can get overwhelming quickly!
In these moments I choose peace, i breathe and let my spirit guide the healing; for in living the questions, the answers become apparent. Maybe not tomorrow, but someday it will all make sense and we will all heal.
|photo credit unknown. If you know, please message me and I will give credit where its due.|